The office work has really gotten the best of me. Always after my shift I do feel exhausted. Why on earth did they give me a team with handful of problems hayyyyy!!! Yes I am complaining but do I have the choice to refuse the challenge. I once posted on my FB status that I am an obedient soldier. Do as told then result discussion will follow.

Late week of March when I handled the team, we focus first on lowering the AHT (ave handling time). I will not take credit for the down ward treading of the team. It is a combine effort on their TL and floorwalkers. Then after two weeks of AHT and dealing with individual personalities of the agent we’re task to improve CTS (customer t satisfaction). I know from the very start what I need to hit. Turn out my guess is the guess of my co floor walker. Communication skills. Waaahhh are we not working on a call center where communication is very important? Sad to say the team has hard time relying information, choosing the right words to use, and how to empathize with callers.

At the moment, we’re trying to correct this communication skill problem. We need to work double time to meet our set goals. Admin works and call listening. Hopefully we can deliver results asap!

This team is really pushing me to new possibilities.

Just this week we learned (my co floor walker) that 6 agent will be terminated. Personally I am saddened. I felt that I was not effective in my effort to improve the team’s performance. However new developments are just surfacing. The upward movements on team’s stats happen when I move in. it is actually a consolation on my part.

One of terminated agents said her last goodbye to me after her shift. I hid my tears. I cant help but cry, so I put on my hood. I was planning today to leave the office early coz I know what will happen. The decision was sudden. Personally I cant do anything to save her. Nothing.

After my shift I decided to cool down by watching a movie at libis. I wished I didn’t take my own advice. It turned out to be a complete failure. I miss the movie so I need to wait for over 2 hours. So I just decided to go home since I don’t know the place and I don’t feel the ambiance. My ride back home took me about an hour. Shooting! That is way I don’t like travelling.

Battle ship as I expected was a good movie. 4 of 5 stars. Im please coz i made a right choice this time.

Sakit na mata ko. Next time ko lang correct grammar ko hehehe.. tulog na ako. Night!

 (after my inuman sa GA)

Nakahiga na ako sa kutson, nang maisip kong panourin yun elimination sa IA. Kakababayan kasi kaya malaki ang ingay.

Naiiyak ako. Sobra! Then as my tears run down I started to talk to myself. I was addressing myself to chonut.

My heart was speaking out. It is not my head. Puyat naman kasi ako eh.. umiiyak ako dahil sa hope na binigay ng pagkakaibigan namin, yun ay according to him pero sa aking MU na. may friends bang magka holding hands at nagkikiss sa lips???

Naisip ko rin he might be thinking of fishy things about me. Sana hindi. Nag iiwasan na kami sa opisina. At naiilang ng talaga ako. Ayokong marinig ang boses nya it makes me uncomfortable. I cant control my eyes looking towards his station. At may instance na nagtatama pa rin ang tingin namin.

Dito nalang muna.. sakit na ng mga mata ko. Mamaya lalaro akong badminton.

Kahapon nag gym ako after days of being buried sa my work. Adjustment pa rin sa pag hahawak ng tao. Usually after I take calls or my shift I can go home right away. Pero ngayon 8 hours na akong OT ty and take note isang araw lang  yun ha.

Mabalik lang ako sa gym. Pagkatapos kong pag pawisan sa ilang routine para sa chest ay nalapit ako sa mga machine ng pag warm up. Tanaw dun yun foot brigde. Mula ng maibaling ko ang aking tingin sa gawin tulay at halos di ko na mapigilan tumingin. I was hoping someone would pass by para Makita ko. Walang tao sa mga stationary bike o sa tread mill. At wala rin dumaan para Makita ko. Nasira ang concentration ko mag gym. Nawala yun pag nanais kong mag back exercise. Nawala yun sigla kong makabalik sa gym.

Pass 8pm na akong nakalabas ng gym pagkatapos ng 2 oras ng buhat. Di rin ako nakapag boxing na laging kong ginagawa after my gym workouts.

Balik naman ako sa down syndrome. Balik naman sa lonely life.

Naalala ko yun sabi sa Donyi ang naghahangad daw ng langit ay syang di mapagkakatiwalaan. Totoo nga. Pero paano ko naman mailalapit yun kasabihan yun sa pag nanais kong mahalin? Sobrang ba akong nag nanais makahanap ng relasyon at kung sino ang nasa paligid at malapit ay pinapansin ko? I once said to myself na flirt ako. Medaling akong mafall sa isang tao.

Weakness ko na siguro ang maging friendly. Madalas di ko na mabalance kung hanggan saan ko pipihit para ma set ang limitasyon ng salitang pagkakaibigan at ka-ibigan.

Tanga ako sa love at tanggap ko na yun. Im sure matuto rin ako. Sana malapit na.

Again im writing my thoughts. A way of releasing the frustrations, the pain, emotions I wanted to burst out.

I miss my friends. Si Mar pag nasa gym kami di ako makabuhat ng maayos kasi lagi na lang akong tatawa kahit serious mode na sya. Si King na laging pinatatawa rin ako. No effort talagang hahagalpak ako sa tawa. Mababaw na joke pero yun mga biro nila mula sa tunay na buhay pawang nangyare sa kanila o sa kakilala nila. I guess nararamdaman nila yun unspoken pain and pity ko sa sarili ko.

Tama madalas ngayon na maawa ako sa sarili ko. Months back I and myself talked that we will not do things that later would cause us grave pain. Pero tanga talaga si ethel booba na later on naging Anne Curtis as her role on no other woman.

I don’t reserve anything for myself to keep. I just wanna make sure that special someone will feel the love I have. This is my thought. And censorship within the boundaries of my notebook screen is unacceptable. However I set my limitations. No sex stories. No bragging how beautiful I will become just to showcase my qualities to attract readers and let them feel inferiors.

I miss him. Si chonut. Miss ko na malapit sya sa akin. Yun mangangagat na sobrang masakit pero di ako makakaangal. Pero mas masakit isipin na di sya magiging akin. At sa mga nadiscover ko. I AM IN NO POSITON TO JUDGE NOR TO SAY WHAT IS TRUE AND FALSE. Pero sa akin lang at sa tanang akin lang. I once said in a drinking session in this kind of relationship (homo relationship) there is no love, only common ground, common interest, convenience. I still stand by my word. I’ve seen some relationship like that to support my claim. And sad to say I became once part of their history.

I how on earth can you boost on your FB wall you have kept a relationship for 11 year or even 2 years. When you and people around you knew what are the stuffs you’re doing behind your partner’s absence. Worse you cant even admit that your living with the man you called your love?

Am I sour grapping? Bitter ako? Partly first cause I was once a victim of deception. Personally I cant accept it. Though I know bakla ako pero when I commit myself when I say I love you I devout my whole being. Nasabi ko kay chonut I envy him referring to his bf. But when he finally give in and gave his blog site na sad ako. For myself for his bf and for him. For me coz idealistic ako madalas. Kaya pag may crush ako and super like ko kinakaibigan ko para malaman ko yun panget nyang side until I fall out of interest. For his bf, unknowing innocent victim. He does not know what’s happening when he is not around, I feet what must he felt when I finds out. Ayoko ng pakiramdam na ganun. Pinagsinungalingan! For chonut. Outright I don’t agree with the caption or what you call the headline. Ang bawat piraso ng aking pagkatao is being described sa blog. Di baboy si chonut. Di sya ganun. Nakita ko na yun nakaraan at yun batang sya. Yun times na struggling sila sa buhay, yun pan desal wrapper. Yun paliligo sa bahang galling sa bundok ng angono. Malayo sa blog. Malayo sa pag sasaad nyan kung ang tunay na sya, isang alipin ng kamundohan. Muli di ako malinis. Marumi. Mababa. I might be saying this coz I felt something for chonut.

At one point in my thinking session gusto sumigaw. Coz nararamdaman ko yun sakit na mararamdaman ni bf nya. Masakit mapagsinungalingan. Maliban na lamang na may ginagawa rin sya sa likod ni chonut.

Lumaki akong ganito. Lumaking tingin sa bawat relasyon ay tulad sa isang mag asawang kasal at may basbas ng simbahan. Tunay at totoo ang pag mamahal o pag iibigan sa isat isa. Isa para sa isa. Ang sarap at hirap ng buhay ay pinag sasaluhan. Ang luha at tawa ay hati. Ang libog at pagnanasa ay para lamang sa iyong kabiyak. Ang pagtatalik ay para lang sa iyong sinasabihan “iniibig kita ng buo kong pagkatao at kaluluwa”. Drama ko di ba. Pinapatay na ata ang mga tulad ko?

Teka malalim na ang gabi. Bangag naman ako sa opisina nito.

Tutuloy ko nalang pag may time na ako.

Sana kaya kong umiwas kay chonut. Sana di ako matinag sa posisyon kong umiwas. Nanghihina kasi ako pag malapit sya. Nawawala ang bayag ko. nawawala ako sa sarili.